The Ups and Downs of Having a Japanese Girlfriend
I have recently started a relationship with a Japanese woman here in Miyagi, and although I can`t say I have extensive experience on the subject (it has only been a little over a month), I would like to share my experiences. With any new relationship there are a myriad of ups and downs that you are bound to go through, but with someone you do not share a common language or culture with, the ride is that much more exciting!
First off, there are a lot of good things about dating someone of a different culture. It is always exciting and new and you learn so much from each other about so many various things. If she has a good sense of humor you can always get a laugh from your cultural differences and communication issues. In a normal relationship getting to know each other is one of the best parts. With an intercultural relationship this is magnified. You not only get to learn about each other`s personalities and quirks, you get to learn about an entire culture!
I am dating someone who speaks pretty much no English, and when we started, I barely spoke any Japanese. I have learned more Japanese in the past few months than I have in years of University and private studies. Conversing with a native speaker nearly everyday has essentially forced me to adapt and learn at insane speeds. I would now consider myself to have a level of fluency and I can easily converse with her on a daily basis. The interesting thing is I have learned how to talk to her specifically. I picked up her speech style and unique language quirks so sometimes when I speak to other Japanese people they have trouble understanding me since I use a lot of slang and have a Tohoku dialect. I also have trouble understanding a lot of Japanese people other than my girlfriend. It is a fascinating phenomenon for sure, and I think it can be remedied by opening up my conversations to all Japanese people and with time it will correct itself.
Outside of learning Japanese and laughing at each other`s foolish mistakes, the cultural differences can sometimes be wonderful and work in your favor. Apparently, Japanese men rarely compliment their significant other, and aren't expected to get them gifts or go out of their way for them in any sense. Of course, there are those that do, but it is not the norm. Where I come from this would be considered taking your partner for granted. It is expected in America to show you care somehow, whether with gifts, or words, or kind gestures. It seems in Japan, the fact that you keep showing up is enough to show you care. This probably stems from the huge shy personality trait that many Japanese people have. I suppose it makes sense in a way, but I am used to a totally different approach, and I have used it. My girlfriend is blown away every single time. It is amazing! For example, I got her flowers for her birthday and she got down on her hands and knees and put her head to the floor to thank me. This is a gesture of extreme gratitude and humility in Japan and for me it was a little embarrassing. She told me she had not received a birthday present in a very long time from anyone, let alone flowers from a boyfriend. To me, this was almost blasphemy and I still can`t believe it. That all being said, I do not have to do much and she is always ecstatic with my kindness. I have made a hobby out of giving her compliments in public and seeing how embarrassed she gets. This cultural difference is a lot of fun and makes for a very loving relationship!
There are a lot of good things and I am truly happy at the moment, but there are always a few bad things to watch out for. This is a complicated relationship, and it is not always fun and easy. Those same miscommunications that we laugh at can sometimes be hurtful even if you know the intent was a joke or at least not malicious. The worst issue so far is dealing with serious conversations. As our level of communication is not perfect, these can be quite a struggle. Normally, we can get through a day to day conversation with no issues, but sometimes a roadblock comes up and we ignore it and change the subject or take a few minutes translating. When emotions are high and serious business is on the table, you can`t just ignore it, and when she needs me to understand how she feels immediately and I can`t understand her words, it can lead to a very emotional, tumultuous moment. You can`t pause or give up on a conversation when she is upset. Well, you can, and sometimes you have to in order to understand each other, but it really is counterproductive. There has only been one of these occurrences so far, but goddamn it was a hellish evening. I am still not sure if everything was worked out but we moved on at least and everything is fine now, but yeah, that was a tough time.
Beyond the daily struggles between each other there are also the struggles in the community. Many Japanese people happen to be quite prejudiced. This may not be a popular thing to say in Japan, but it is an undeniable fact. I would say it is a different kind of prejudice than in America, and there is rarely, if ever, any violence associated with it, but it is still there. There are segregated bars and restaurants out here in the countryside that I have been turned away from. I get angry stares from old people on the streets sometimes, and young people are so fascinated by my face they sometimes take pictures. Alone, this was no problem and I just laughed it off as part of traveling in Asia. However, with my girlfriend, these moments feel much more disrespectful and can put me in quite a sour mood. We were out for a special dinner last night and we got sneers and looks of disgust from passing strangers. I think interracial couples may be looked down upon here, and the men are usually very uncomfortable with it. On the other hand, the women we have met have been either jealous or excited for my partner for the most part. I think there is a fantasy of dating a cute western guy. For these women I am fulfilling their Disney fantasy romance so they are more than happy to see it take place in real life.
The racism on the street is one thing, but what is harder is the lack of acceptance of her family and friends. It seems most of her friends are accepting, which I am very grateful for They have all been friendly and welcoming, but after I leave they sometimes tell her she is making mistake and she should be with a Japanese man. Some say I am just a waste of time, and she is acting foolish since it most likely will not end in a serious marriage and I may return to America and leave her alone. That being said, although they advise her against what she is doing, in the end they are happy if she is happy so after the first warning they seem to have accepted me just fine. Most friends are completely excited to meet a foreigner, however, and think I am super cool so they are friendly and hope our relationship works out. Those moments are wonderful and I savor them.
First off, there are a lot of good things about dating someone of a different culture. It is always exciting and new and you learn so much from each other about so many various things. If she has a good sense of humor you can always get a laugh from your cultural differences and communication issues. In a normal relationship getting to know each other is one of the best parts. With an intercultural relationship this is magnified. You not only get to learn about each other`s personalities and quirks, you get to learn about an entire culture!
I am dating someone who speaks pretty much no English, and when we started, I barely spoke any Japanese. I have learned more Japanese in the past few months than I have in years of University and private studies. Conversing with a native speaker nearly everyday has essentially forced me to adapt and learn at insane speeds. I would now consider myself to have a level of fluency and I can easily converse with her on a daily basis. The interesting thing is I have learned how to talk to her specifically. I picked up her speech style and unique language quirks so sometimes when I speak to other Japanese people they have trouble understanding me since I use a lot of slang and have a Tohoku dialect. I also have trouble understanding a lot of Japanese people other than my girlfriend. It is a fascinating phenomenon for sure, and I think it can be remedied by opening up my conversations to all Japanese people and with time it will correct itself.
Outside of learning Japanese and laughing at each other`s foolish mistakes, the cultural differences can sometimes be wonderful and work in your favor. Apparently, Japanese men rarely compliment their significant other, and aren't expected to get them gifts or go out of their way for them in any sense. Of course, there are those that do, but it is not the norm. Where I come from this would be considered taking your partner for granted. It is expected in America to show you care somehow, whether with gifts, or words, or kind gestures. It seems in Japan, the fact that you keep showing up is enough to show you care. This probably stems from the huge shy personality trait that many Japanese people have. I suppose it makes sense in a way, but I am used to a totally different approach, and I have used it. My girlfriend is blown away every single time. It is amazing! For example, I got her flowers for her birthday and she got down on her hands and knees and put her head to the floor to thank me. This is a gesture of extreme gratitude and humility in Japan and for me it was a little embarrassing. She told me she had not received a birthday present in a very long time from anyone, let alone flowers from a boyfriend. To me, this was almost blasphemy and I still can`t believe it. That all being said, I do not have to do much and she is always ecstatic with my kindness. I have made a hobby out of giving her compliments in public and seeing how embarrassed she gets. This cultural difference is a lot of fun and makes for a very loving relationship!
There are a lot of good things and I am truly happy at the moment, but there are always a few bad things to watch out for. This is a complicated relationship, and it is not always fun and easy. Those same miscommunications that we laugh at can sometimes be hurtful even if you know the intent was a joke or at least not malicious. The worst issue so far is dealing with serious conversations. As our level of communication is not perfect, these can be quite a struggle. Normally, we can get through a day to day conversation with no issues, but sometimes a roadblock comes up and we ignore it and change the subject or take a few minutes translating. When emotions are high and serious business is on the table, you can`t just ignore it, and when she needs me to understand how she feels immediately and I can`t understand her words, it can lead to a very emotional, tumultuous moment. You can`t pause or give up on a conversation when she is upset. Well, you can, and sometimes you have to in order to understand each other, but it really is counterproductive. There has only been one of these occurrences so far, but goddamn it was a hellish evening. I am still not sure if everything was worked out but we moved on at least and everything is fine now, but yeah, that was a tough time.
Beyond the daily struggles between each other there are also the struggles in the community. Many Japanese people happen to be quite prejudiced. This may not be a popular thing to say in Japan, but it is an undeniable fact. I would say it is a different kind of prejudice than in America, and there is rarely, if ever, any violence associated with it, but it is still there. There are segregated bars and restaurants out here in the countryside that I have been turned away from. I get angry stares from old people on the streets sometimes, and young people are so fascinated by my face they sometimes take pictures. Alone, this was no problem and I just laughed it off as part of traveling in Asia. However, with my girlfriend, these moments feel much more disrespectful and can put me in quite a sour mood. We were out for a special dinner last night and we got sneers and looks of disgust from passing strangers. I think interracial couples may be looked down upon here, and the men are usually very uncomfortable with it. On the other hand, the women we have met have been either jealous or excited for my partner for the most part. I think there is a fantasy of dating a cute western guy. For these women I am fulfilling their Disney fantasy romance so they are more than happy to see it take place in real life.
The racism on the street is one thing, but what is harder is the lack of acceptance of her family and friends. It seems most of her friends are accepting, which I am very grateful for They have all been friendly and welcoming, but after I leave they sometimes tell her she is making mistake and she should be with a Japanese man. Some say I am just a waste of time, and she is acting foolish since it most likely will not end in a serious marriage and I may return to America and leave her alone. That being said, although they advise her against what she is doing, in the end they are happy if she is happy so after the first warning they seem to have accepted me just fine. Most friends are completely excited to meet a foreigner, however, and think I am super cool so they are friendly and hope our relationship works out. Those moments are wonderful and I savor them.
Her family, on the other hand, does not seem to take me seriously at all. Her mother laughed in her face when she told her who she was dating. She didn't seem mad about it, but she certainly did not take our relationship seriously. My partner has not yet told her father, and I am not sure how he will react. No one will stop her since she is an adult, but there is an air of disappoint when she shares how she feels about me with her loved ones. This is painful for me, and hard to handle. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it until they get past their prejudices, but it is definitely a downside.
Overall, I would not trade this experience for the world. I love spending time with my Japanese partner, and the benefits far outweigh the awkward miscommunication moments and prejudice. There is the looming question in the future: What happens when I want to move back to America? This has caused the biggest strife in the relationship so far, with neither of us able to make a decision as of yet. We have decided to sort of come to a stalemate for the time being and just not think about it until we have to. We are happy enough now to just live in the moment and enjoy our time together, even if it is doomed to end with my time in Japan. I have to say, this is the best relationship I have ever been in, and it will be hard to just walk away. I have been thinking of living in Japan long term, as she is unwilling to move to America at this point. It is still way to early to make a decision, but these are the things you have to think about when dating overseas.
Do you have any similar or different experiences dating in Japan or overseas? Comment and share below!
Overall, I would not trade this experience for the world. I love spending time with my Japanese partner, and the benefits far outweigh the awkward miscommunication moments and prejudice. There is the looming question in the future: What happens when I want to move back to America? This has caused the biggest strife in the relationship so far, with neither of us able to make a decision as of yet. We have decided to sort of come to a stalemate for the time being and just not think about it until we have to. We are happy enough now to just live in the moment and enjoy our time together, even if it is doomed to end with my time in Japan. I have to say, this is the best relationship I have ever been in, and it will be hard to just walk away. I have been thinking of living in Japan long term, as she is unwilling to move to America at this point. It is still way to early to make a decision, but these are the things you have to think about when dating overseas.
Do you have any similar or different experiences dating in Japan or overseas? Comment and share below!